Dear Chelsea,
I had no idea you were an accomplished Science Fiction author as well. I have just moved to your home away from home, Australia… and I was franticly looking for Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang in a Borders bookstore near Melbourne (after I read Are You There Vodka in its entirety on my plane flight from Detroit to LA [I am Not from Detroit] where I was covering my mouth restraining myself from explosive laughter). I searched for “Chelsea Handler” in the Australian Borders database and I wish I had paid the little Asian to jailbreak my iPhone sooner so I could have taken a picture of what I found. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang was listed in the Science Fiction section. I made a noise out loud—probably a guttural “HA”. I had a peruse through the section graced by the likes of JR Tolkien and Stephen Hawking… I was a stranger looking for someone familiar. Not only did Borders Australia send me to the Science Fiction section (of where I looked completely out of place with my lack of bodily acne and/or pocket protector), but your book wasn’t even there! I went to an Australian Borders Bookseller who had a touch of herpes on her face (I guess Levi has taken a trip down under.. They have Sarah Palin books here).. she called over the radio for “a Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang”. No Luck. She said Borders Australia could order me copy for $41. Not only did I want a Bang Bang NOW, but, Chelsea, on that Delta Flight where I fell in love with your written word… I was sitting on the ground for 2 hours and missed my flight on a different airline to Australia. Delta nor the airline could do anything for me so after arguing and pleading with extra-large, chocolate-covered-marshmallows of native Los Angelean Delta women – I had to shell out a grand for another ticket the next day in addition to the first one that Delta made me miss (missing my Australian boyfriend’s birthday). I just graduated from college and I’m a poor, unemployed wildlife biologist with a weakness for shoes and the E! network (don’t even get me started on the lack of programming here… now that Rove is retired) trying to start my career in Australia and I just couldn’t pay $41 for a book I’d read in like 4 hours. Although that’s like 2 hours of working here… but I’m not employed yet. I’m just thankful the beers with breakfast on the plane were free. Anyway, I just thought you would like to know where your book is meant to be according to Borders Australia. Also, do you know any second-hand bookstores in Australia?
Terribly missing the sharpest tongue in late night.
Love,
Bentley Bird
**I unlocked my own iPhone... but Chelsea likes Asians doing technical things
